Look Ma, I Found My G-Spot!

Our Review

If fortune cookies have taught me anything (other than how to speak Chinese without verbs), it's that in life we need balance. I don't know how many times I've been stuck with the "balance" fortune at the end of a Chinese feast. Everyone else is getting predictions of fortune, romance or happiness, while I'm being told shit like:

"Become your mind and spirit balanced." (5, 21, 30, 31, 32, 33 Grape = Pu-tao)


"Emotional well-being is product of your balanced heart. Go for it!" (5, 11, 17, 19, 22, 27 February = Er-yue)

If you apply fortune cookie wisdom to help you with your film selections, you may discover that it is important to achieve balance there, too. Sometimes you have to take a break from watching fancy, "good" movies and mix in a bit of lowbrow garbage. (Please note that I make the assumption on the side of you, the reader, being a sophisto. If, on the other hand, you spend all your time watching shit like MAD MONEY or CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES, it might be time to rethink the situation. I'm not suggesting you go screaming to the video store to pick up SCHINDLER'S LIST, there's no need to overdo it all at once. Just take baby-steps. Like THE DA VINCI CODE or TO WONG FOO.)

I say to anyone who has seen all five Academy Award nominees for Best Picture, that there is no better balancing agent than the buffoonery of JACKASS. I may not have checked out SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE yet, but here I am writing a review about a guy sticking toys in his ass for laughs. And that's just what the suit-up is.

During the film's grand finale, wacky Jackass Ryan Dunn is shown suiting-up for a visit to the doctor. He knows it's going to be funny, but even as he shows the audience the items he's about to put up his ass, there is a priceless look of worry on his face.

In a motel room that looks just like any other that you may have stayed in, and surrounded by his friends, a paramedic, and a camera guy, Dunn goes over the checklist.

Anal lube? Check.
Condom? Check.
Toy car? Check. (What a wasted opportunity for product placement! Hot Wheels would be funny, but how much better would this scene be if it was John Moschitta sliding Micro Machines into his tuchus? They should have at least had him narrating the scene.)

Like a bullet into a clip, Dunn works the little, blue car toy into the rubber. He stops to crack wise about the reservoir tip on the condom. An obvious stall tactic. A healthy dollop of anal lube later and he's on his back, going to work.

Mission accomplished. Now it's off to the doctor to figure out why his ass is killing him. An x-ray may be in order.

Fortune cookie wisdom says:

"Take back movie balance! Put JACKASS after FROST/NIXON on Netflix queue." (35, 14, 6, 11, 27, 49 Banana = Xiang-jiao)