Ferrets, Falcons, Tigers and Tanya Robert's Tits!

In the words of our beloved Suit-Up Scene founder and overlord, Kirk Clawes, "Conan The Barbarian" is a tale of tits, swords and high adventure. But a year after it launched Arnold Schwarzenegger onto the cinema landscape, a far superior film would follow in its wake... Don Coscarelli's timeless fantasy, "The Beastmaster"!

So the question begs asking: Is "The Beastmaster" a poor man's "Conan The Barbarian"? Or is it the other way around? I mean, don't get me wrong. I love Arnold as much as any other self-respecting film geek. But can his thunderous pecs rival Marc Singer's blazing abs? Can Conan's puny sidekick, Subotai, compete with Dar's jungle friends? We're talking a black tiger, a falcon, and don't forget, not one, but two awesome ferrets named 'Codo' and 'Podo'! Does James Earl Jone's 'Thulsa Doom' out-do Rip Torn's 'Maax' in pure dread? (Doom may indulge in orgies, but Maax throws toddlers into sacrificial fires!).

Let's also talk ladies. Does Conan's squeeze, 'Valeria', come anywhere close to Tanya Robert's incredibly smoking slave girl, 'Kiri'. Before you answer, remember that Tanya Roberts has a topless scene in "The Beastmaster", and that Dar actually uses his tiger to help him scam his way into making out with her! Gotta love the sleaze factor.

"The Beastmaster" gains additional points for having a nice horror factor, as evidenced by The Deathguards, those creepy bird men who 'absorb' victims in their acidic wings. It's no surprise that Coscarelli had come off directing "Phantasm" three years later.

Leading man Marc Singer comes with his own bag of treats. The dude's not only a black belt in Kung Fu, but he's cousins with director Bryan Singer.

With such a fine pedigree as this, I was thrilled to find that this early 80's delight did indeed have a suit-up scene. It happens soon after Dar's village, family and friends are burned to the ground. Dar is rescued by the local dog (see how much animals love this guy?) and dragged to safety. Soon after awakening, he surveys the destruction, vowing to get revenge. It's time to suit!

Now, with such an exciting build up as that, you're probably going to be shocked and appalled to find that the suit-up scene in "The Beastmaster" is a little bit of a letdown. I don't think this is so much the fault of the director, as it is the costume designer. See, Dar is half-naked most of the film, in nothing but some leather tassles covering his naughty bits. So shit... what's the dude really expected to suit-up into?

Therefore, we are only treated to about a three second suit-up. Nothing inspiring here. Just three quick cuts of Dar's most important and useful items. His gloves; which cover the mark he was branded with at birth, that deemed him an enemy (and bane) of the evil high priest, Maax. His capo; which belonged to his father. (think of a scary boomerang that likes to lodge itself in people's backs). And of course, Dar's sword; a rather unceremonious antique that looks like something the filmmakers pawned off a peasant in some market in Acapulco.

Dar may be the master of the beasts... but he sure ain't be mastering the suit.