Suiting-Up is Easier When You Have a Vagina in Your Chest

Our Review

Think quickly. You’re just told that the torture porn that you enjoy watching (no, not Saw) gives you hallucinations. You’re informed, by the same person, that you’re being used in a plot to get rid of the scum that watch said torture porn. Coincidentally enough you own this television station. In order to take the trash out to the curb your television station will show the torture porn which gives people hallucinations to make them weak, thus making North America stronger in order to compete with the rest of the world. You’re told to kill your partners and give control to the person who is telling you this so the plan can shape out. (I know this sounds confusing but that’s part of the point…)

Where do you go to suit-up pre-wreaking havoc among the city of Toronto? Where do you keep the gun?

The answer’s easy for Max Renn (James Spader). The gun’s not on him. It’s inside him. Luckily for Max, he is invaginated. (I think I made this word up. It means he grew a vagina. In his chest.)

This suit-up scene begins with Max being informed by his friend Harlan that he is being used in a plot. Out comes Barry Convex (Les Carlson) who informs him about the confusing situation I wrote about in the first paragraph about getting use of the television station (Channel 83) owned by Max. Convex begins the suiting-up by telling Max to “open up” after showing him a video tape that starts to come to life. Here we begin by seeing Max, pressed against a wall with wind blowing hard, in a full shot. The camera starts tracking in on Max as his shirt unbuttons, slowly revealing the pulsating abdominal vagina, until there is a close-up of the man-gina. Barry thrusts the videotape into Max, “programming” him to kill his partners and hand over Channel 83 to Barry.

Max falls to the ground, while Barry and Harlan leave the room. Max crawls out of the room into a corner while there is a voice-over of Barry telling Max to kill his partners, and give Channel 83 to him. Max sits himself in a corner. Another close-up of Max’s vahjayjay while his hand closes in on it. Max’s hand lingers inside himself for a little bit, before he pulls out a wet handgun, which he luckily stored in himself earlier on in the film when his vagina first appeared. There are quick shots of Max looking at the gun, and the gun. The gun slowly begins to permanently attach itself to Max through tentacles. Once the handgun literally becomes a handgun the suit-up is complete and Max is ready to kill.

If this explanation of the scene sounds confusing, because it’s supposed to be confusing. That’s the point of the movie. We (as the viewer) are supposed to be confused about the plot. We, along with Max, don’t know when the hallucinations begin and when they end. How does Max actually get the gun to suit up? Who knows. But it’s awesome to watch.


Kirk's picture

In case you are wondering, a vagina is considered an accessory here at Don't leave home without it!

XyZy's picture

How dare you confuse James Woods with James Spader. Cronenberg should kick your ass... The brat pack'll probably come after you too.

Ben's picture

I don't know what I was thinking, I even got it right in the first part.

I'm going to run away and hide for two weeks.

Dennis's picture

Hey Ben,

You've also got 3 actors listed yet I only see 2. Lol. Which one (besides James Woods, obviously), doesn't belong?

XyZy's picture

Two weeks not necessary, public admonishment is enough.

Ben's picture

Peter Dvorsky is in the scene, as Harlan, but he doesn't have much to with the suit-up, he just provides information