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Tits, Swords and High Adventure!

Our Review

There are many great things about Conan The Barbarian. Sadly, it's suit-up scene isn't one of them. What may, at first glance, seem to be a perfectly acceptable scene quickly becomes a disappointment upon further study.

Even though plenty of body paint is applied, the director made the curious mistake of not having Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) appear topless. If this were a Disney movie, this would be an acceptable oversight. However, based on the generous amount of bare breasts throughout the film, this oversight is unacceptable. While on the topic of body paint, it is importance to note that the amount of screen-time dedicated to its application is interesting because there is no actual purpose for the paint. Unlike the application of paint in other films, it does not provide our heroes with camouflage or any other obvious benefit.

Once everyone has had a thorough paint rub down, our band of thieves can now prepare themselves with their implements of death. In this case, a few straight-swords, a bow and some arrows. Yes, that is all.

Let that sink in for a moment.

For all the amazing-ness that a suit-up scene set in the Hyborian Age should be able to provide, the best Director John Milius is able to provide us with is paint being applied in a non-erotic fashion and a few swords.